Things you should never put in a query letter

First, to anyone "new" to the fantastical world of writing, a "query" is a question. Basically, you want to know if the Publisher, Agent, Editor, Janitor, or Whomever is taking submissions or "pleas" at this time.

It is a kinder word for "Your work will be so near a SLUSH PILE." (Disclaimer: I do not hate Publishers nor anyone associated with them. They do what they have to do. I do not hate, even if my disliking sounds like hate sometimes. We are comanded to "love," but we do not have to "like.")

Honest truth: Publishers and the like ONLY do what they must do to keep from being buried under a pile of paper that would smother anything living.
Okay, back to the blog subject. (Notice the play on words with "honest truth." Okay, okay, humor me.)

(Disclaimer: I am not making fun of anyone from any state or any country in the list below. The "truth is truth." I am not making fun of any "race," not even Nascar. I am also not making fun of religion or personal beliefs. Any resemblence to anyone living or dead in my list is a shame, but coincidental.)

Things you should never put in a "query" letter and/or cover page.

1. I ain't never had no book published before. How about making this my first. I want to make my mama proud. None of us ever gradiated high school and it would mean a lot to git a book published.

2. It is my turn to have a book published. I have waited long enough. My horoscope said that something good was going to happen to me today. I feel that "karma" is leaning my way.

3. I am tired of someone behind a desk, that never gets out in the sun, rejecting my work. My mama likes it.

4. I am looking for someone to believe in me and something told me that YOU are the one.

5. I don't want to sound negative, but you are going to burn if you do not publish me. I have been praying that you would be the right choice for me. God told me to send this to you.

6. I was told at the office that I was good at telling stories, then someone said, "Fred, you should write a book. So, I did." (If your name is Fred, nothing bad is intended. Accept the 30 seconds of fame or change your name.)

7. Hey, dude! I am going to be the next J.K Rawlings. You should represent me as my agent. In fact, I thought of Harry Potter first. I just did not write it down, you know, dog.

8. I am sending you this "guery" letter to ...

9. Why my book is just like Gone With the Wind only better. That Mitchel woman could learn a few things from me. Heck, my book would make a "way-better" movie.

10. Also, notice that I took the time to draw flowers around the page to design my own border. If you ever need an illustrator for a book, let me know.

11. NEVER, and I do mean NEVER...rent a Brinks Truck to deliver your manuscript or query letter. It is not good to have it signed for, a thumb print required, an eye imprint, or even have a GPS chip embedded into the paper.

Be professional! Just be professional. Think! You want to be treated in a professional manner, right. Do them the same honor.

More later!